We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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