Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
