so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
