I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
