when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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