would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
