I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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