I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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