we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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