We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
