Life is so much better after having sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
