Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
