i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Randomize
