Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
