Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
