i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
