Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the condom got lost in my hair
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
