some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
