This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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