I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
