highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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