Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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