So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
