we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
