Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
