I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
