I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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