she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
