I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
