apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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