last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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