It's like a parade of train wrecks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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