does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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