I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
