You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
