I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
