Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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