So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
