Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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