I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
