this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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