I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
