I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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