He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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