he told me I talked like a deaf person
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
