My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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