he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
