do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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