I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
