I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
