stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
